I selected non-binary for the first time in an application today. I actually sat, stared at it, considered it and my feelings on being girlflux, for about ten minutes.
Most of my life, my #genderidentity has been fairly solidly just plain “female”. Several years ago, I began having feelings of something else, something different. Something more? Nah, just something… different.
Gender identity wasn’t something I really considered until I felt a change. It’s not something you can really put words on. “How did you feel this change?” “Where [mentally, emotionally] did you feel this change?”
Honestly, I don’t know. And it wasn’t until just in the past several months that I realized what I felt even really had a name. I’ve heard of demigirls and demiboys, but that just. It didn’t *fit* my feelings. Girlflux and boyflux are microlabels next to demigirl/boy, but the definition thereof just didn’t really sit right with me. So it was “mostly female and a teeny bit. something else”. And feelings persisted in a spread I’d call like. 95% female, 5%. Not female? Formless… entity? Is “entity” even a gender identity?
Then when I heard about the girlflux label, saw it’s flag, and what it is, I was like “That’s it! That’s me!” And since then I’ve also come to tentatively call it “void”. I’m mostly female, but there’s a teeny bit of me that’s. nothing.
Typing out these thoughts, I wonder if it’s more like gender null? I’m not that well-versed though.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the application.
I realized that, during that application, my identity has shifted over time more to be along the lines of 80%, 85% female. I prefer she/her pronouns and I like the idea of the occasion “they” peppered in. But I used it to see how I’d feel about it, but it still doesn’t fit. Same goes with “it” and “xe”. I like the ideas of these pronouns, but they still don’t fit quite right.
I wonder how my idea of my personal gender identity will change over the next year, three years, five years.
